See and Be Seen

“See and Be Seen” was first published in From the Cookie Jar on August 11, 2014, at Get a Bigger Wagon.

This summer, I have spent many hours with my grandchildren and I have had time to see them clearly. They have validated my importance, and I hope I have reciprocated. I believe every human being needs to be seen by someone.

I have always been aware of the importance of the “eyes at the window” in our lives. I remember how reassured I felt when my mother pulled the curtain to one side so she could see what I was playing in the backyard. It felt great to know my very own adult was watching over me. As a young mother, I also watched at the window, understanding the importance of being someone’s adult.

In return for seeing, we are seen. One grandson told me I make the best oatmeal ever. Another checks the labels of everything I eat, making sure I avoid the soy that makes me ill. The oldest grandchild found a way to hang out in my kitchen so we could share everything from cooking to technology. My granddaughter admires every necklace and pair of shoes I wear, plays music she thinks I will like, and repeatedly tells me she loves me.

I now realize that people at any age like someone to see their accomplishments.  After 53 years of marriage, my husband still looks to see if I am watching from the window as he makes sweeping circles on his lawnmower. Often, I am walking by the window at just the right moment. My mother-in-law liked me to acknowledge her fashion sense or solicit her advice on a personal matter right up until she left us. She was 98. 

I think families ideally provide the perfect environment for our initial validation. We witness each other’s lives, celebrate one another, and, as members of a team, offer respect and safety for each other. Eventually, other members of the community validate our lives. Some of us have been truly seen by a teacher, a neighbour, or an afterschool employer.

My music professor saw me among the many faces in her choir. I am sure she saw many of her students, but she made an impression on me, and over 50 years later, we were still in each other’s lives. She was a single, educated, glamorous woman with a great car and a warm smile. She wore a red velvet dress to conduct at Christmas, and her white hair shone under the lights, and I loved it. Her office was a sanctuary where she made time for her students; she validated lives while sipping tea. Could it be a coincidence that I left my hair white, frequently wear red, and believe conversations over tea help solve problems?

At night, as I unwind for sleep, I often think about my interactions with others during the day or throughout my life. I am grateful for those who made me feel visible, and I try to list those people I have truly seen. Thinking of each of these special people is better than counting sheep. Here’s to the eyes at the window on both sides of the glass.